Cleaning up the mess

I've been trying to update more often...cut it from two months to a week. Let's see if I can keep it up. I should have no reason not to write I sure have a lot of time on my hands these days.

So the last couple days I've been reminded kind of a lot about how much my choices have had an impact on others. And because I am me...I have tried really hard to hang onto control and try and clean up the mess myself.

Reflecting on this reminded me of a story and then God spoke...

When I was younger I always wanted to do things 'all by my own self'....no surprise there. So one day I was pouring a cup of juice 'all by my own self' and I spilled it all over the floor. Well I thought I would be slick and clean it up 'all by my own self' before anyone saw. I cleaned up the mess, stood back and thought I was good. Thought no one would ever know. Well a little while later mom came home and stepped on the sticky kitchen floor and saw the red kool aid splashed on the wall and the fridge. I don't remember her getting mad. She just told me that is was better to get a grown up and ask for help to clean it up.

Same scenario this time I'm just a lot older and made a bigger mess. I made this mess and I've been trying to clean it up myself. Trying to cover pieces up so no one can see. BUT it isn't working. I'm running out of paper towels. And I'm getting tired.

What I felt God saying was, 'Sarah, why didn't you come get me? Let me help you clean up this mess so we do it the right way.'

After that thoughts started running through my head...just like when I was little girl trying to answer the same question for my mom. 'I didn't want to bother you.' 'I can do it 'all by my own self.' 'I made the mess, I should clean it up.'

He spoke again...'Sarah, you are NEVER a bother to me. You were NEVER meant to do it alone. This mess is too big for you, you need my help.'

I just started to cry. And He let me. Then I opened His word and He loved on me some more.

Today I'm working towards giving up a little bit more control...

Getting real...for real.

Been awhile since my last update...and as always A LOT has happened. Stay with me on this one...its after 3 a.m. Chances are I might be all over the place.

My entire life has been turned upside down the past two weeks, and I have no one to blame but myself. Even as I write this I'm erasing and editing trying to fluff it up in case someone I hurt or offended might see. Screw that-its time to get real, to be real.

I mean the bible clearly says your sin will find you out...well my most recent sin didn't take so long. Within 48 hours my 'sin' was posted on facebook for the world to see. I'm sure if you are reading this you have already seen the pictures tagged of me drinking this past weekend. And if you are reading this you most likely know that drinking is a problem for me. I thought about untagging the pictures or even deleting my facebook and continuing to hide, but that is just stupid. I'm human. I messed up. I tripped BUT I didn't fall. 

Let me tell you what happened or at least my take on things. I made a lot of bad choices over the last few months. I was warned against it and even heard God speak but chose to ignore Him and give into my flesh. Well as a result, many were affected and hurt, to say the least. So for the first two weeks as the smoke has started to clear I blamed myself. I didn't think I was allowed to hurt or cry because look how bad everyone was hurting and that was all my fault. So I hid my pain and shut those closest to me out, including God. I thought that I was strong and that I could take care of myself. I thought I had to put on a front and be strong for those I hurt. Everyone was looking to me for answers and solutions, the pressure was on. So I attempted to take it all on myself and failed miserably. Everything is a reminder of what I have done. I'm living the consequences, that pain is more than enough.

So I allowed the pressure to get to me and the enemy to feed me lies and I knowingly put myself in a bad situation...again thinking I was strong enough. What started as just one beer turned into many, then shots, and beer bong...and hours later I was being driven home with a strong possibility that I could lose my right eye. Thankfully my eye has healed up pretty good, but my heart not so much.

I feel as if I am having open heart surgery wide awake. As hard as my present situation is God has brought peace and surprisingly enough I can see His hand. It has been awhile since I have heard His voice and even longer since I listened or responded. I can hear Him again and this time I'm running straight into His arms.

This is what I hear Him saying...
'i think about you constantly'
'your life is in my hands'
'i know everything you need and I will provide'
'i am the only constant in your life'
'i will wipe every tear from your eye'
'nothing can separate us'
'i value you'
'i have plans for you'
'you bring me glory'

He is whispering in to my ear and romancing me again. He knows I don't like to dance so He has agreed to take it slow if I give Him the lead. Its scary and I know all eyes are on me...I know people are watching and waiting to see me fall...but while everyone is busy watching me I'm keeping my gaze on Him. He has assured me that He knows the steps and promised me I can step on His feet when I'm too tired to dance any longer.

Holding onto these scriptures as I hold out my hand for My Savior to pick me up and dust me off.

James 4:7-10 (msg)
'so let God work His will in you...quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life quit playing the field. Hit bottom and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, get real serious, get down on your knees before the Master. It's the only way you will get back up.'

Romans 5:3-4 (amp)
'moreover (let us be full of joy now!) let us exalt and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character (of this sort) produces (the habit of) joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation.'

In closing, to be more than clear, I am very aware of the hurt I caused to those around me. I am not taking light or making excuses for the choices I have made this past weekend, or past several months. BUT I will not allow the enemy to fill my head with lies that I don't deserve healing or forgiveness or grace and mercy.

The choices I made to get me where I am right now-wide awake writing at 4 a.m.-didnt happen overnight. I know this proverbial open heart surgery I am experiencing will take more than one day to repair the damage done. I get that its a process and have started to take the correct steps so that my past, whether that be yesterday or six months ago, does not continue to affect my present and determine my futurre in a way that is damaging to me or compromising to my relationship with my Savior.

Its time to get real...its time to be real.

Look for more frequent and raw updates as I take a leap of faith from hiding to hanging with jesus. 

Church

Where along the way did WE forget that its all about Jesus and start acting like it is all about us? It's sad to see how far off we are. How selfish and prideful we are.

A current theme I keep coming across lately is the state of the American Church and just how disgusted Christians are with what it has become. NEWSFLASH-YOU ARE THE CHURCH.

Instead of complaining about it, why don't we step up and do something about it? Sure, it's a lot easier to complain and wait for someone else to step up and fix things...but you might be waiting a while. And then what happens if it isn't fixed to your liking? I guess it all boils down to selfishness and pride.

I'm not mad or disgusted. My heart is breaking and heavy. And I can't help but imagine that Jesus' is the same.

I don't understand why people criticize and put others down for using their gifts to advance the Kingdom when they themselves aren't bothering to even try and put theirs to use. So what if we fall short or don't get things right the first time...at least were trying.

Forget leadership...what's that? You mean I have to submit to another? Doesn't make sense to me. People are perfectly happy and content when you 'lead' the way they want you too, but the second you make a decision and forget to inform them oh my gosh forget it.

I mean we are called to submit to the authority of Jesus Christ, right? I don't always like the way He 'leads' me, but I TRUST that He's leading me in the right direction. Isn't that what parents expect from their children? To trust that when they say no it is for their own good? Shouldn't the same go for the leaders of the church? If you are where you believe God has you then shouldn't you trust the leadership? Even if, God forbid, they head in a direction you may not be comfortable with.

Change is the constant companion of progress. Are you changing to look more like Jesus? Are you progressing in the right direction or getting left behind in your own bitterness and strife?

Things got all out of whack when people, myself included, decided to jump in the drivers seat and play God for themselves. Instead of pointing fingers and looking around watching to see who or when the state of the American Church will change for the better, WE ALL need to take a look inward and check the condition of our hearts.

Jesus is contagious. If we are doing what we can to imitate Christ, it will catch and people will follow. All we need is to keep our focus on Jesus. Take a look at the bigger picture...It's so much more than a good parking spot and a smile and hand shake from the pastor on a Sunday morning. It's about people, family, friends, souls that are lost and going to hell watching us that call ourselves Christians fight with one another about meaningless issues.

At the end of the day what really matters to you? The child that sleeps down the hall from you that may not know Jesus? The estranged sister that denies God? The spouse that's souls eternity is in question?

Determined to step outside of myself and everyday look more and more like Jesus...
Join me and WE can change the world. Sit back and watch me...in the end, you'll regret it.

Silence

I've had the house ALL TO MYSELF for the past 4 days, and I still have about 6 more days before the family returns. It was so hard to watch them leave for vacation without me. And even harder not to quit my job and take off with them. I actually heavily considered the thought, but knew it wasn't right. I knew in my heart, that things had happened the way they did, and that God had a plan for this week or so alone.

I'm only half way in and I feel as if I have had open heart surgery. Which, I'm experiencing, can be painful. It's really easy, when life is happening, in all the noise to put off or ignore the voice of God. Sadly, we use it as an excuse. I know I'm guilty of it.

In the silence, when no one else is around, its hard to ignore someone who is speaking loud and clear. At the beginning of this week, before the family even left I was reminded that I need to let God love on me. The exact questions was, 'when was the last time you let God tell you He loves you?'. It's been awhile. Not letting Him tell me, makes me forget who I really am. And I know, from experience, that can really mess someone up. And I've allowed it to mess me up. I've allowed the enemy to come in and whisper things in my ear. Things I've chosen to believe and not put up a fight even when deep down I know the truth.

Before my family even left, I was bent on destruction. I already had a plan in my head of how this week was going to go...what I was going to do. Thankfully, I can tell you I have not gone through with any of my plan. BUT allowed my Creator to draw me back to Him. I've allowed Him to love on me and remind me of who I really am. I've soaked myself in His word and spent time talking, walking, and even crying with Him.

I don't know what my future holds...but I know who holds my future. Leaning on His grace again...

Follow Your Heart

When someone tells you to follow your heart, what does that mean exactly? What if what your heart is telling you doesn't line up with God's word? But what if the thought of not following your heart makes you sick? I guess the real question is shouldn't the two match up?

I mean if your walking with God and your in His Word, should that verse in Psalms apply? You know the one I'm talking about, the one that says He will give you the desires of your heart?

Before anyone comments...I know what the verse means. I know it doesn't mean that He will give you what you want or even think you need. I know that it means that your heart will align with His, your desires will match His desires for you.

So I guess that's my next question. What went wrong? Why isn't my heart aligned with His? How did we get on two seperate pages. Shoot, today I feel like were in two totally different books.

I jumped the gun. Somewhere along the way I decided that I knew better than God. That I knew what I wanted and needed and I went ahead and got it without so much as asking Him what He thought.

And so here I sit-heart sick, distracted, confused, hurt, sad, and lost. I'm missing Jesus. In the midst of all the craziness the last few weeks I walked away. He has patiently sat and waited. I want to be where He is at. I want things to change. I can't live in mere survival mode. In fact, I'm convinced that it's an insult to God. He didn't send His son to die for me just so I could barely make it through my day without falling apart. He sent His son to die for me so I could, to quote His exact words, 'have a rich and satisfying life'.

So why do we settle for less that He gives? Why do we settle for less than we deserve? Why is it so easy to get 'caught up' in the things of this world. Even more so, why is it so hard to walk away?

Lots on my mind today...

Last Week

I'm horrible at updating this thing...I've been so busy. I always say that I have so much going on, but it really is true. Let me give you a glimpse into the past week.

Started school again.
Parents were attacked and hospitalized for dog bites.
Grandma passed away.
Gave my puppy up for adoption.
Still sick, not sure what it is yet.
Spoke to a group of teenagers.
Worked 25 hours in 3 days.

Lots going on. That's just a glimpse of this past week. I'm pretty worn out.

But the encouraging things is I can see God working ALL around me. Bible study last night was so challenging and encouraging. We started this study a couple months ago with three people and a vision for transparency and authenticity. God has continued to move every week.

Last night someone said something that I can't get out of my head...He said that if you were to take just the last week of his life and lay it out for someone to look at that the person would most likely have no idea that he was a follower of Jesus Christ. First of all, I so appreciate his honesty. But almost as soon as the words came out of his mouth I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. The same goes for me...if you laid out the last seven days of my life for someone they would have no clue that I was a follower of Jesus. Sure, I had occasionally cracked open my bible and listened to worship music. But most likely my actions and mouth would have almost totally cancelled that out. That literally breaks my heart.

What image are you giving Jesus? How does your life reflect His sacrifice? I mean isn't that the purpose of our existence, to show others Jesus? I want people to see a difference in me. I want to be known for making Him known.

Thinking about what that is suppose to look like...Excited for what God is doing and how I can feel Him tugging at my heart. His love never gives up...I can hear Him calling and I'm running straight for Him.

Good Day

What a day! Long but Good. Went to go visit my brother today, made the four hour drive to and from all in the same day. I wouldn't trade this day for a million dollars. I got to spend the whole day with my parents, see my brother and have some amazing laughs. Great memories and conversation. At this exact time last year I wasn't even speaking to my parents. On the way home, I even had the opportunity to pray for my mom after she had gotten a phone call that made her cry. God has done so much restoration its unbelievable. If you would have asked me at this time last year if I could have forseen this coming, I probably would have responded with something like 'over my dead body'.

Aren't you so glad that God is in control? That His plan and purpose trumps ours? If last Mother's Day had to be horrible in order for this Mother's Day to be fantastic it was so worth it. God knew what He was doing even when I doubted and waivered. I find so much security in that tonight.

I'm sleepy, long day tomorrow but totally looking forward to it.