Cleaning up the mess

I've been trying to update more often...cut it from two months to a week. Let's see if I can keep it up. I should have no reason not to write I sure have a lot of time on my hands these days.

So the last couple days I've been reminded kind of a lot about how much my choices have had an impact on others. And because I am me...I have tried really hard to hang onto control and try and clean up the mess myself.

Reflecting on this reminded me of a story and then God spoke...

When I was younger I always wanted to do things 'all by my own self'....no surprise there. So one day I was pouring a cup of juice 'all by my own self' and I spilled it all over the floor. Well I thought I would be slick and clean it up 'all by my own self' before anyone saw. I cleaned up the mess, stood back and thought I was good. Thought no one would ever know. Well a little while later mom came home and stepped on the sticky kitchen floor and saw the red kool aid splashed on the wall and the fridge. I don't remember her getting mad. She just told me that is was better to get a grown up and ask for help to clean it up.

Same scenario this time I'm just a lot older and made a bigger mess. I made this mess and I've been trying to clean it up myself. Trying to cover pieces up so no one can see. BUT it isn't working. I'm running out of paper towels. And I'm getting tired.

What I felt God saying was, 'Sarah, why didn't you come get me? Let me help you clean up this mess so we do it the right way.'

After that thoughts started running through my head...just like when I was little girl trying to answer the same question for my mom. 'I didn't want to bother you.' 'I can do it 'all by my own self.' 'I made the mess, I should clean it up.'

He spoke again...'Sarah, you are NEVER a bother to me. You were NEVER meant to do it alone. This mess is too big for you, you need my help.'

I just started to cry. And He let me. Then I opened His word and He loved on me some more.

Today I'm working towards giving up a little bit more control...

Getting real...for real.

Been awhile since my last update...and as always A LOT has happened. Stay with me on this one...its after 3 a.m. Chances are I might be all over the place.

My entire life has been turned upside down the past two weeks, and I have no one to blame but myself. Even as I write this I'm erasing and editing trying to fluff it up in case someone I hurt or offended might see. Screw that-its time to get real, to be real.

I mean the bible clearly says your sin will find you out...well my most recent sin didn't take so long. Within 48 hours my 'sin' was posted on facebook for the world to see. I'm sure if you are reading this you have already seen the pictures tagged of me drinking this past weekend. And if you are reading this you most likely know that drinking is a problem for me. I thought about untagging the pictures or even deleting my facebook and continuing to hide, but that is just stupid. I'm human. I messed up. I tripped BUT I didn't fall. 

Let me tell you what happened or at least my take on things. I made a lot of bad choices over the last few months. I was warned against it and even heard God speak but chose to ignore Him and give into my flesh. Well as a result, many were affected and hurt, to say the least. So for the first two weeks as the smoke has started to clear I blamed myself. I didn't think I was allowed to hurt or cry because look how bad everyone was hurting and that was all my fault. So I hid my pain and shut those closest to me out, including God. I thought that I was strong and that I could take care of myself. I thought I had to put on a front and be strong for those I hurt. Everyone was looking to me for answers and solutions, the pressure was on. So I attempted to take it all on myself and failed miserably. Everything is a reminder of what I have done. I'm living the consequences, that pain is more than enough.

So I allowed the pressure to get to me and the enemy to feed me lies and I knowingly put myself in a bad situation...again thinking I was strong enough. What started as just one beer turned into many, then shots, and beer bong...and hours later I was being driven home with a strong possibility that I could lose my right eye. Thankfully my eye has healed up pretty good, but my heart not so much.

I feel as if I am having open heart surgery wide awake. As hard as my present situation is God has brought peace and surprisingly enough I can see His hand. It has been awhile since I have heard His voice and even longer since I listened or responded. I can hear Him again and this time I'm running straight into His arms.

This is what I hear Him saying...
'i think about you constantly'
'your life is in my hands'
'i know everything you need and I will provide'
'i am the only constant in your life'
'i will wipe every tear from your eye'
'nothing can separate us'
'i value you'
'i have plans for you'
'you bring me glory'

He is whispering in to my ear and romancing me again. He knows I don't like to dance so He has agreed to take it slow if I give Him the lead. Its scary and I know all eyes are on me...I know people are watching and waiting to see me fall...but while everyone is busy watching me I'm keeping my gaze on Him. He has assured me that He knows the steps and promised me I can step on His feet when I'm too tired to dance any longer.

Holding onto these scriptures as I hold out my hand for My Savior to pick me up and dust me off.

James 4:7-10 (msg)
'so let God work His will in you...quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life quit playing the field. Hit bottom and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, get real serious, get down on your knees before the Master. It's the only way you will get back up.'

Romans 5:3-4 (amp)
'moreover (let us be full of joy now!) let us exalt and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character (of this sort) produces (the habit of) joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation.'

In closing, to be more than clear, I am very aware of the hurt I caused to those around me. I am not taking light or making excuses for the choices I have made this past weekend, or past several months. BUT I will not allow the enemy to fill my head with lies that I don't deserve healing or forgiveness or grace and mercy.

The choices I made to get me where I am right now-wide awake writing at 4 a.m.-didnt happen overnight. I know this proverbial open heart surgery I am experiencing will take more than one day to repair the damage done. I get that its a process and have started to take the correct steps so that my past, whether that be yesterday or six months ago, does not continue to affect my present and determine my futurre in a way that is damaging to me or compromising to my relationship with my Savior.

Its time to get real...its time to be real.

Look for more frequent and raw updates as I take a leap of faith from hiding to hanging with jesus.